Am I a Monster?

“Am I a monster?” he thought as he looked in the mirror. “Only a monster would have thoughts like this.”

His heart fills with shame as he walks out of the bathroom and lays down on his bed, covering his head with his comforter.

His mind is a constant struggle. Another intrusive sexual thought comes into his mind, followed by another wave of anxiety and disgust.

“Get out of my head!” he yells out.

He tries to push the thoughts away. He tries to distract himself by scrolling social media, and he tries to replace them with other thoughts. Nothing works. The sexual thoughts come back, this time feeling more “real.” He wishes he could take his brain and set it in another room, for just a few minutes of peace.

His sister calls him and invites him to a family barbeque—an invitation that would previously bring him joy, but now just causes distress.

His intrusive sexual thoughts usually center around children.

“What if I’m a pedophile and I don’t know it?”

“What if I lose control and harm a child?”

He knows, logically, that these thoughts do not reflect his character, and that the thought of harming a child is horrifying to him. But the thoughts feel so real and disturbing that he just can’t shake them.

The idea of going to a barbeque and seeing his young nieces terrifies him. He has already been avoiding them for months, for fear that his intrusive thoughts will come true. He can tell that his sister is starting to wonder why he hasn’t been coming around.

“The kids would love to see you,” she urges. “They miss you, and they’ve been asking about you.”

He wants to say yes—to get back to living his life—but his fear wins out yet again.

“I can’t make it,” he says. “I’m sick.”

He hangs up the phone and buries his head in the sheets.

“They will be better off without me there. I’m a monster,” he utters to himself.

One of the most common subtypes of OCD is Sexual Intrusive Thoughts OCD. This is the most frequently Googled form of OCD and one of the subtypes that we treat most often at CalmOCD.

This type of OCD involves disturbing and unwanted sexual thoughts and images, followed by a strong desire to get rid of those thoughts or prevent oneself from acting on them. Intrusive sexual thoughts can involve children, family members, strangers, and more.

Often, individuals with this type of OCD come into treatment believing they are bad people simply for having these thoughts. They experience overwhelming guilt, shame, and fear, despite the fact that the thoughts are unwanted and deeply distressing.

OCD is treatable.

Anyone suffering from this subtype of OCD has the opportunity to seek help. CalmOCD therapists are specially trained to assess and treat Sexual Intrusive Thoughts OCD with respect, compassion, and evidence-based care.

Through treatment, individuals can learn to separate themselves from their thoughts. They begin to understand that intrusive thoughts are not reflective of who they are as a person. They are not the "monster" they once believed themselves to be, and OCD does not have to rule their lives.

They can return to family gatherings, social events, and other situations they have been avoiding, equipped with practical skills that allow them to observe their thoughts, experience uncomfortable emotions, and continue acting in accordance with their values despite OCD's background noise.

Treatment offers freedom—the opportunity to release oneself from OCD's grip on daily decisions and overall quality of life.

At CalmOCD, we provide personalized, evidence-based care through a combination of education, Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), Inference-Based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (I-CBT), and a variety of additional therapeutic approaches, all tailored to help our clients regain confidence and rediscover joy in their daily lives.

Getting treatment at CalmOCD means working with specialists who truly understand OCD—not just its symptoms, but the profound impact it can have on the way you think, feel, and live. Our clinicians meet you where you are and guide you toward lasting relief.